George Lucas and Steven Spielberg are officially on my shitlist Options

[pysex]

Biggest doucheholes this side of the galaxy.


Ruined Star Wars.

Ruined Indiana Jones.


FUCK the both of them. I hope George's goiter gets so big it swallows his head and he suffocates. Then Spielberg gets a visit from Tom Cruise and Xenu and they all have an anal orgy till they're bloody pulps.

[pysex]

MAJOR SPOILERS (if I could even spoil this movie)....actually I'll just explain the movie.



























































































































This movie was a fucking rollercoaster...and not the good kind.




It starts off strong. Russians kidnapping Indiana and taking him to the secret warehouse where the government keeps its treasures (the warehouse you see in Raiders of the Lost Ark). Indy of course finds what they're looking for (a coffin) using a rather ingenious method. The Russians begin to open the coffin and that's when our rollercoaster takes a rather lame dip. A FUCKING ALIEN?! Seriously. I can only imagine what kind of horrific plot is forming past this particular gem of movie scripting. After a bunch of talk, Indy gets betrayed by his cohort (Ray Winstone) whose character name escapes me...mainly because he was probably the weakest part of the movie. The Russians begin to take the Alien out in a truck and of course Indy isn't going to go quietly. The escape was pretty fun....UNTIL....Indy wakes up in a very strange place....A MOCK TOWN AT THE NEVADA NUCLEAR TESTING SITE! AND WHAT'S THAT?! NUCLEAR ATTACK SIRENS?!?! UH OH INDY!! WHAT YOU GONNA DO NOW?!?! I know! Jump inside an old 1950's lead lined refrigerator, survive the nuclear blast, get thrown 80 miles out, survive, get out of the refrigerator, and stand there looking at a mushroom cloud...uninjured....not affected by radiation.

MOVIE MAGIC!!!!!!!!!!


Then we see Indy being picked up by what we have to assume is the CIA. We get a fun little cameo by the janitor guy from Scrubs (who played the cop in Harrison Ford's movie The Fugitive). They drill him with questions and we find out that after the Nazis...apparently Indy was "recruited" to dig up a UFO crash in the desert. Then some unknown General walks in and releases Indy (that's when we discover Indy is a retired Army Colonel...how the hell he found the time to do that I don't know). We see Indy back at his usual hangout...his classroom. He only gets a few seconds of teaching time before he gets canned by the college board because the FBI is bullying them. Enter Shia's character on a motorcycle running down a train station platform while Indy is getting on a train. He's some rowdy Fonzarelli greaser low life who somehow magically knows the exact location of Indy and has a mysterious purpose for seeking Indy's help. Oxley (how the fuck we know this guy is beyond me but I guess Lucas thinks we should know) is in trouble! He's gone missing and the kid needs Indy's help to find him. So Shia goes on and on about some crazy whacked out story about a city of gold and a glowy crystally skull thing. Indy is all intrigued by this (of course) and decides to help him out. BUT OH NEOS.....RUSSIANS...RUN INDY RUN. With a rather elaborate escape scene, Indy and the kid are in South America searching for Oxley's trail. They encounter two random Chilean homeless dudes on a mountain and go through a sequence of boring caves to come to a tomb. Conquistadors?! Oh...city of gold...conquistadors...yes yes. El Dorado. Oh great.

Indy finds the crystal skull only to be betrayed YET again by that dude that was in the beginning of the movie. Man he's an asshole. Anyway, they get taken to a camp where Indy has some crazy mind meld with the skull and it talks to him. Then he tries to escape but is stopped and the russians threaten to kill one of Indy's long lost friends. ENTER MARION. The Russians somehow found her and somehow knew she had been involved with Indy a whole 10 years before. Shia is all teary eyed to be reunited with his mother and then......THEY ESCAPE..AGAIN...running around the Amazon in the middle of the night. Marion and Indy get stuck in a sand pit. Shia attempts to save them by using a rather large rat snake. HAH CLEVER. A throwback to Raiders. You remember how Indy hates snakes. The Russians show up and they get carted off to a truck convoy to begin their quest to find El Dorado. But wait, It wouldn't be Indiana Jones unless he tried to...YES..ESCAPE. So there's a long...VERY LONG...scene where the Russians and Indy's band of misfits battle it out between the trucks. Shia gets a sword fight scene with Cate Blanchett's character and then it all is ended abruptly when Shia gets caught in a grouping of vines. This scene was possibly the most horribly scripted, thought out, animated, piece of shit movie editing I've ever seen. Shia starts swinging on the vines with his own army of monkeys following him. He lands back in the truck where the monkeys start attacking the russians. They escape in the truck only to be stopped again by MORE russians. This time they fall into a field of man eating Amazon ants that number well into the trillions and seem to eat through everything but the main characters. Then Marion (who had disappeared mysteriously for the last part of the super duper amazon truck sword monkey scene) appears with an amphibious assault vehicle and drives everyone off a cliff. Of course you think why the fuck would that stupid bitch do that BUT oh wait...there's a tree there. They land in the tree and are safely lowered down to the waiting river at the bottom of the cliff. And of course the tree snaps back up and kills some russians. Oh and that dude that likes to betray Indy is apparently back in the band for some unknown reason. I guess he gives good handjobs. Anyway, Indy and the gang fall over 3 waterfalls in the carboat and manage to stay in it for the first two falls. The third they all fall out and end up on the river bank....WHERE THEY FIND THE HIDDEN ENTRANCE TO EL DORADO WTF. The conquistadors must've been fucking blind. So they go inside the entrance and there are several scenes of elaborately animated doors opening and such. Then for some fucking reason there are aztec natives living inside the walls of this city and they come out to attack. The skull scares them off and Indy and the gang find their way inside the city. BUT WAIT. INDY'S BEEN BETRAYED AGAIN. THAT STUPID ASSFUCK GUY WAS LEAVING HOMING BEACONS FOR THE RUSSIANS. So here they come and stop the natives with a hail of gunfire. So Indy and them all break into what we're supposed to assume is a throne room of some kind. In there is a circle of chairs with crystal skeletons (Very alien like). That's when your realize that Spielberg and Lucas must've been smoking crack for the filming of the last scenes. The russians show up, that douchebag betrayal guy runs off, and they stick the skull back on the skeleton that was missing its head. Then shit gets retarded. The city comes to life and starts to crumble away revealing a fucking spaceship. They all run out and try to escape the crumbling ruins. They get shot up a vent hole by rising waters and end up on top of a fucking huge mountain. Then they watch the alien ship tear a hole the size of Texas out of the ground and the ship blasts off to another dimension.

Then Indy gets married to Marion and Shia becomes Indy Jr. Jr.












Fuck this movie.